I have had so much going on spiritually lately, I don't even know where to begin. I just have had this overwhelming sense to get it out, write it because I write better than I speak. I also have a terrible sinus infection, and there's a strong possibility that God is working thru the steroid shot that I had earlier today. I know this is my photography blog, but I don't really know where else to share this message that has been placed on my heart.
If you don't know me personally, some brief background info. Not only am I a part time photographer, but I am a full time teacher. This will begin my 6th year in the classroom. I have taught 3 years previously in a public school and 2 years in a private local Christian school.
I have had a couple of friends in the past year talk about how God was working on their hearts and how they just became consumed with feelings and thoughts until they were about to explode, kind of rededicating their lives to him. Maybe that's what I'm going through right now, maybe I'm on the verge of that. Or again, it could be a side effect of the shot and not being able to sleep. So here goes, what I feel like I need to tell...
I've had this wonderful, amazing, low stress teaching job for 2 years. For 2 years, I've not had to worry about the risk of being "pink-slipped" as we call it in Alabama. For 2 years, I've not had to stress about the possibility of not gaining tenure. For 2 years, I've learned more about my faith and the Bible from 12 innocent faces -more than I would have learned in a lifetime on my own.
Now, at the end of year 2 at a private, Christian school, an opportunity presented itself for the chance to go back to the public classroom. I remember going to my principal, and asking "How do I know if this is God's will or if this is just temptation?" (The temptation being the great insurance, benefits, and large jump in pay.) As we cried together, my principal told me something that would change my path, "Never pass on an interview. You never know where God is leading you."
So I went for an interview. I didn't know what to expect. But I did something different. This was the 5th summer I had applied for jobs and gone through interviews. This was the first summer I did it differently. The previous 4 years, I had worked hard, hitting the road almost daily. I printed stacks of resumes, 50 at a time, got into my car, and drove to every school I could find in a day. I emailed and called principals to make sure they received my resume and asked for interviews. But I did not ask God for guidance. I just did what I could do.... what I could.
This summer was different. This opportunity presented itself to me. That probably should have been my first sign that it was God's will, but I'm not a good listener. I made no effort to get an interview, and after a few weeks passed, I assumed I wouldn't get one at all. That's when the phone rang. I prayed for guidance. I was so confused. I was so happy where I was, so close to home, so why am I even considering this? I needed a sign. I asked.... no I told God that I didn't want to consider another job. The only way He could get me to consider it, was to make it a math position. (I'm a dork, what I can I say... I love math... so much that a year ago, just for fun, I got myself certified for middle school math. Yes, I'm a dork...)
So I went for the interview. I put a little effort into it, I bought a new outfit. I've been through so many interviews in my teaching career, that I really didn't expect anything to pan out. But guess what? This interview was for a math job. Actually, 2 math positions were available. Ok, Lord, you have my attention.
The interview came and went.... and it went well. I was comfortable, the principal seemed nice and laid-back. When it ended, I asked how long he expected it would take before a decision was made. I needed to let my current principal know what to expect, I was keeping her posted on the situation. He said by the middle of the next week. In my, previously-let-down-so-many-times-before-mind, that meant 4:00 PM Wednesday.
4:00 P.M. Wednesday came and went. I really didn't pray too much about it. I should have, but I didn't. I just KNEW God would give me an answer. And besides, when we said our nightly prayers, Madeline always added, "And please help with Mommy's job..." I guess I thought that was good enough.
Thursday passed. Friday, I got a message from my principal asking for an answer before the next board meeting, on Monday. I told her I would let her know first thing Monday morning. If I didn't hear something from the interview, I would stay. I gave myself I deadline of 11 A.M. on Monday. No phone call would be God's way of telling me I was to stay at the Christian School.
That weekend, my husband and I were out looking at homes to build. We were talking about what I was supposed to do on Monday, and why on earth I didn't have an answer yet. My husband said, "Maybe you should go to the alter and pray about it..." A thought hit me that instant.... maybe I should. Maybe that's why I didn't have an answer. Maybe God was pushing me to really turn it over to Him. My reply was, "Maybe that's why I haven't gotten an answer yet..." I think I've actually knelt at the alter to prayer once in my entire life. Once... the weekend after Madeline was born. Just once.
The alter is a whole different problem for me. I don't know why, but I am afraid of it. I feel like people automatically assume something is wrong if you're there. I don't want the church members thinking I've got a problem with my marriage or wondering what's going on in my life. Anytime I think about going, I get sweaty and nervous. I want to vomit, literally.
Somehow, deep inside, I knew that unless I went to the alter Sunday morning, I would not get the clear answer I needed. I barely listened to the sermon for trying to prepare myself for what I had to do. I listened enough to know that the message was about putting our trust in the Lord. This message only added to the fact that I needed to hit the alter.
I kept wondering how I was to go to the alter without Madeline coming with me. If she went, how was I really going to pray and listen for an answer? God gave me that relief... as soon as the invitational hymn began, Madeline looked at me and said, "I gotta potty! And I think Daddy is going to take me..." No excuses. God was even using my 2 year old against me today!
So I did it. I went to the alter for the 2nd time in my life and prayed. I didn't beg God for a new job. I didn't beg him to stay where I was. I just simply asked for a clear message. I just needed to know. I asked that if I was to go to the new place, I get a phone call first thing on Monday. And for the first time in a month, I had peace. I knew that in about 12 hours, I would have my answer.
Monday morning came, and I kept waking up and looking at the clock. I kept making myself go back to sleep so that I wouldn't simply be waiting on the phone to ring or not. Finally, I prayed. I said a simple prayer, "Lord, I know you are going to give me an answer today..." before I finished the prayer, the phone rang. It was the offer for the job. I knew at that moment I had to take it.
Telling my principal and coworkers was so bittersweet. I realized how blessed I had been to work with such sweet, understanding people. I was so afraid they were going to be upset with me for leaving. Everyone was supportive. It was amazing.
I will miss my time at Cullman Christian School. I feel like I grew so much professionally. However, I grew the most spiritually. I've started reading, and understanding devotions. I've also started reading Karen Kingsbury novels, which have really filled me with great knowledge through her fictional tales.
Throughout this whole experience, I've really come to understand one thing. I've learned how to listen to God. I've learned that God may not speak to me in an audible voice. I've learned the importance of learning scripture. I never really got it till recently. I've gone to church my whole life, I learned memory verses since was young. For years, I've worked with children on memory verses. I've never really, REALLY, gotten it till now.
Scripture is how the Lord speaks to us. When we need an answer, guidance, or strength it comes from there. It doesn't come from picking up the Bible and turning to a random page (which I really thought at one time). It comes from learning scriptures. From hiding them away in our hearts. Not memorizing them, but just hiding them away. Reading them, knowing them, and tucking them away. God speaks to us by bringing those verses to the front of our minds when we need them the most.
There has been one verse that He has brought to me throughout this entire, month long, struggle with which door God would open and which door he would close. I don't have the reference memorized, and I probable never will. The only way I found it tonight, was to type it in Google...
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still..."
Exodus 14:14
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